Shame in the counselling room
Shame shows up in counselling more often than people might realise, but it is not always easy to name. Sometimes it is there in the long pause before someone speaks, in the apology for taking up space, or in the fear that what they are about to say will change how they are seen.
To me, shame is one of the most painful things a person can carry because it so often touches their sense of self. It is not just about feeling bad about something. It can feel much deeper than that, as though something about you is wrong, not good enough, or needs to be kept hidden.
I think shame can leave people feeling split from themselves. One part is trying to cope, manage, and carry on, and another part feels exposed, critical, or deeply alone. That is often what makes it so hard to bring into counselling in the first place.
As a therapist, I think shame needs to be held with care. Not rushed. Not pushed. Not met with judgement. Often, what helps most is creating a space where someone can begin to say things out loud and find that they are still met with warmth, steadiness, and respect.
For clients, working through shame often begins there. Not in getting rid of it all at once, but in having it met differently. Sometimes that shift is quiet, but it matters. Shame can lose some of its hold when a person no longer has to carry it alone.
Francesca Robson
Counsellor & Supervisor